Back to the ER

Well I'm headed back to the ER tonight to do my first shift down there in over 1 Year. I have many mixed feelings about that place, and I'm feeling a bit anxious to return there. Many of my great friends have left and work elsewhere, its a whole new place, and sometimes I long for the old days back. (Although, it was my New Year's resolution to work on not wasting time wishing for moments back that are far gone, I'm obviously still working on that.) I worked down in the ED from the age of 25 to 35, and I became a different person. I suppose I would have changed no matter where I worked you seem to really find out who you are during those years, and working ER only helped to move that process along. It gave me a greater appreciation of life, it turned a naive girl into a wiser woman, it taught me to not be so judgemental that we all make mistakes and everyone has their story, it gave me the ability to laugh at myself and not take life so serious. Most of all it made me treasure now, because that is seriously all we ever have, not a minute ago and not a minute from now, just NOW. Take advantage of every opportunity that comes your way, no matter how big or small the challenge,because you only get one life,one now. Be happy for every moment you are here. I think sometimes we all have to remember that.
So if the ER could make a person believe all that then why on earth would I leave? Well, ER did not come without sacrifice, it burned me out. I remember thinking I'd work down there forever, I found my niche. It was the perfect place for a person that thrives on being pulled in 10 directions, but that came with a cost. I found that I brought that same pace to my every day life and one day I just wanted to slow down, I didn't want to race through life anymore, UNLESS it was a triathlon. I no longer wanted to deal with tragedy on a daily basis. Most of all I could no longer deal with suicides, nasty drunks and drug addicts. It was like constantly pouring salt in a open wound, and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I left a little over a year after my brother's death, I just couldn't handle it anymore. Sometimes I feel ashamed like I should've been able be stronger, but I can now go days without feeling sorry for myself , in the ER it constantly brought my families painful past back to me. So it was the best decision I made, to leave when I did. So tonight, I will enter that ER with caution and not get caught up racing through life again. Wish me luck :)